Why Boundaries are an Empath’s Best Friend
Have you been feeling tired lately? Not just, “I need a quick nap” kinda tired, but deep-in-your-bones exhausted?? Like no amount of coffee, sleep, or Netflix could possibly put the pep back in your step?
Are you also a “giver” in your community? A teacher, nurse, parent, therapist, body-worker, or non-profit warrior?
Ah…then I’d like to introduce you to your new best friend…
Boundaries
Being a giver, I’m guessing are you very willing to help others at a moment’s notice but…when it comes to YOUR wellbeing, you tuck it right under the sink with the rest of your “I’ll get to it later” sample bottles and that random hair product you got talked into at the salon.
When your needs and wellbeing get pushed under the sink over and over again and you take on, absorb, and attempt to “fix” everyone’s traumas and dramas, you are headed straight into “exhausted to the bone” mode!
And this is where your new best friend, Boundaries, comes in to help. Because endlessly giving to others without boundaries might feel like you are “helping”, but let’s face it, this kind of giving is NOT sustainable.
So let’s get to know your buddy, Boundaries, and all the ways this magic concept can help you feel bouncy, alive, and energized while you help and serve your loved ones and community.
Ok, so what IS a boundary?
At its very core, setting a boundary means you declare what is “ok and not ok” for you. This includes the physical, emotional, and spiritual parts of yourself. Physically, that can look like simply accepting a hug from a friend, but not from the random guy in the mall parking lot.
Emotional and spiritual boundaries are not always as easy to identify. This is typically where empaths struggle the most. Emotional boundaries ask, “Does this energy align with my true self or not?”
For example, if I say “yes” to helping with an extra work project, will this choice honor my true self who I see as calm, inspired, and strong?
Or another way to think about it: “Will this project allow me to be her, my best version of myself, or will it push me into stress and overwhelm?
Empaths get extra drained when we think our “true self” is to help others no matter what. This story about ourselves can have some serious consequences to our long term wellbeing, and it’s a hard one to let go of.
We automatically say “yes” because we think: “no one else will do it”, or “I don’t want to make someone upset by saying no”, or on a deeper level, “This is who I am. I help and fix things and if I don’t say yes then who am I? What value do I provide?”
Boundaries help you remember that whatever you have to give has value. And that by saying “no” you will still be yourself, just with more energy and love to go around.
How will Boundaries help me crawl out from under exhaustion and overwhelm??
Boundaries are the watchdogs of your energy so you can be your most true and vibrant self!
Here’s a good metaphor for ya: Your energy is like the air in a car tire. The air is essential for the tire (and car) to function, right? Without the air, you’ve got a flat tire and aren’t going anywhere. The rubber, or tire, represents your boundaries, holding the air (energy) safe inside.
Over time, lots of things can happen that put stress on that rubber (your boundaries). The tread wears out, sides get roughed up, and various objects punch through creating holes. All of these things weaken the tire, slowly allowing air to release.
So, what do you do to keep the air from spilling out? You protect that tire! You get it rotated, you fix the holes, add chains for winter weather, and, when needed, get new tires so the air safely stays in.
All of this tire talk translates to this: Your energy is vital to your health and survival, so you wouldn’t let it get holes and go 85mph on the highway without tread, would you?
Taking care of your boundaries is like tending to your tires. When someone has poked a hole in your boundary, you say something or change how you interact with them.
When you are run-down from saying “yes” too often, you recharge and reassess why you are saying “yes” all the time.
I tell my clients constantly: Setting boundaries does NOT equal selfish or cutting people out of your life. It is saying, “no” to things and people that don’t align with your best self, and “yes” to the things that do. It is taking care of yourself first SO THAT YOU CAN then take care of others.
Another important factor to remember here, and empaths, yes, I’m talking to you; it isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to create your boundaries. Do they need to respect them? Yes of course! But they can’t respect them if YOU haven’t created them.
This is why empaths can start to feel resentful for the ones they love or are trying to help; they are exhausted and drained because people can’t respect boundaries that don’t exist.
As a sensitive person myself, I know this isn’t always an easy task. There will always be energy drains (aka boundary testing) in our world; workplace anxiety, family issues, relationship woes, collective stress in the community, etc.
However, I don’t believe that empaths or helpers need to hide away from the world in order to protect their energy. I KNOW that you can name and claim your limits and boundaries within the world so you can empower yourself to be the gatekeeper of what is ok and not ok.
Just like a best friend looks out for you and your wellbeing, Boundaries help you feel your best, maintain your energy, and lovingly interact with the world around you.
So, take a deep breath, go inward, and know that protecting your energy isn’t mysterious or scary, but simply accepting Boundaries as your friend, and letting them help take care of those car tires.
*I had so much to say about Empaths and energy protection that this blog has a second part! Check it out HERE.